I bet he comes in French.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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