I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The beer is more important than you right now.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
