Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
