Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
