Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
