1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
