Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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