So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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