I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
