this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
