He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
