Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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