A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
