So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
