anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
