we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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