Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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