My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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