I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
