I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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