Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
