i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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