You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
