hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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