a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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