dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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