just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
