I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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