Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
