I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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