i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
