I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
