in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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