She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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