I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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