i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
