u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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