Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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