Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
