i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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