before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
