I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
