she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
