I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
