I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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