i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This baby is an asshole
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
