3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
