I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
