I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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