Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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