i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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