Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
We smell like vodka and hangover
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