I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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