Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
