Slut skills are useful in every country.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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