I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
