Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
