he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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