i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
